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Jan. 26th, 2008

totoro

A Rare Mushy Moment

These kinds of posts will be rare I promise.

I really love my girlfriend.  I think it's aparent from this journal that it takes a very special kind of person to handle someone like me.  Yet she does.  I'm so used to playing games, manipulation and lies.  I've never been in a relationship this fucking healthy before.  It's been a year and a half and we've never had an argument.  Me.  Not argue.  It isn't about just one person collapsing under the weight of the other either.  We're able to work things out like and this is the scary part like two people who have their emotional shit together.  Is it strange that, that scares me?

Anyway.  A mere conversation has given me a rare state of euphoria.  It could be my meds but I think I'd like to believe it's her.

Jan. 25th, 2008

back off

Who Wants To Earn Their Red Wings?

Periods suck.  Actually they create a lack of sucking but anyway......  Every time I'm just emotionally bleh and cramping I seriously contemplate becoming a transman.  I'm not trying to belittle that choice I respect Trans people but.......THIS HURTS DAMMIT!

Jan. 18th, 2008

freein allyouarenot

Maybe I Should Lay Off The Self Loathing?

Misty called me last night. It's the first time I had talked to her since the summer. I was getting the impresion that the lack of communciation with my old Uni friends was due to more than extremly busy scheduals. Now though, I think it may just be me and my self loathing.   I don't have  a lot of drama in my life outside the occasionally freak out by my bi-polar, under medicated, stressed to the max, ocd, control freak of a mother.  I've fallen off the beaten path but have wandered back onto it but really in retrospect compared to boyfriend hopping, lying, cheating, gossiping and all the other annoying things college students tend to do, my problems seem a lot less stressful to hear about.  Finding this out totally made my week when Misty said to me: "Shelley!  I'm here with Amy and Jon and Mike and we're gonna watch movies tonight and when I said to them 'Look all the drama free people are here!' Amy turned to me and said: 'But Shelley's not here!' so I had to call you and invite you!" 

Jan. 16th, 2008

birdie

Lady Luck Gave Me Head Today

Total ammount spent on text books this semester: six dollars.

Yes I came. I came hard.
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Jan. 13th, 2008

white collar slave

The Joys of Living

I'm 23 yrs old and my mother is limmiting my internet time.  How outstandingly pathetic.  Well atleast I'm aware of it.  I think it's worse when people don't realize in what ways they are pathetic.  Everyone knows what they are good at or how they are unique (if they say they don't they're lying fucktards) but most people are oblivious to their most important traits.  Their pathetic ones.  There's an overabundance of niceness in American society.  This cultivates a facade instead of a realistic outlook of ones self.  A prime example of this are the American (shithead) Idol auditions.  How many deluded morons parade themselves in front of a country that's too nice to keep them from humiliating themselves?  Hundreds?  Thousands?  The faveorite excuse for their patheticness (yes that's the word of the entry I'm too lazy to go thusaurus.com) is that their friends and family told them that they could sing.  Their friends and family are just being nice without being nice at all.  The right thing and ultimately the nice thing to do would be to keep your friend or loved one from making an ass of themself.  Telling the truth is hard though and it may make your friend angry or sad oh my.  When is friendship only about feeling good?  Friends are suposed to tell you when you suck so you don't go out and make yourself suck more.  It's hard to be a good friend and the 20,000 douche bags that camp out to humilate themselves need new friends who will tell them that they are thinking to much of their abilities and to persue something they can actually do.  However, there are the select few who are so lost in a fantastical vision of their self that no amount of warning from loved ones will deturr them from their condeluded dreams.

Jan. 1st, 2008

angel of death

First post blahs

I have no idea what to write here.  It's a feeling I've come accustomed to.  I either don't know what to write or know what to do so in both situations my answer is normally a big impressive nothing.  That pretty much sums up the whole of 2007.  It's amazing how in one year you can totally erase all the progress you've made with the last five years of your life.

The saddest no, the most pathetic part about all this is that I can't say I went on some crazy binge.  I didn't kill anyone.  I haven't been running from the law.  I didn't find my self in my india or go on some self searching quest were I do something idiotic like walk across the country.  I stayed home or I stayed asleep.  No great novels stem from that.  I guess it started with going to a school I didn't like then snow balled as I discovered the major I thought I had wanted for the previous six years turned out to be utter bullshit.  The hilarious part is the classes were easy.  I had gotten As in tougher coarses.  110 bio *shivers*  As an ex-English Ed major (with terrible grammar), the majority of my classes only required what I do best.: to read something then bullshit about it.  Once upon a time, I could pump out a ten page paper including "reading" the novel, finding the resources and the citation in eight hours the night before it was do.  Then it all just stopped.  An easy vocab test reminicent of the second grade became an impassible obsticle in my life.  So I just didn't wake up to go to class.  First it was one class then it was all of them.  All the while, I kept deluding myself that I could get my grades up to B's and C's once I got over what ever was keeping me curled up on the futon in my dorm room.  Ofcoarse this continued until the morning of finals and lets just say it was the first time in my life I ever had under a C in a class.  I failed them all.  For no other reason then I couldn't get out of my dorm room.   I think I only opened my eyes to eat or to go out with mothering friends just to fake being ok.  By the end of the semester I didn't even bother.  I don't even talk to them anymore.


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